Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
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Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
6: are snakes just neck?
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’