If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
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I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.