How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
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Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
lmfao come on
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
This 4th of July, please remember…
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.