Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
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12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?