Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
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We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
what
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.