[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
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6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.