I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
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If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
This is Sparta
same energy
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door