Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
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Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?