[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
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[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
best review i’ve ever seen
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?