*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
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ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.