*watches the world burn*
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A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
#SaturdayBears
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.