*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
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Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
I’m confused about plants
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”