Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
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HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.