My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
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You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
ibopfufen
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
doing some research
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie