TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
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Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”