I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
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(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked