I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
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Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?