*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
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A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.