Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
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Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Buying a well is money well spent.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
I put the p in pants.