Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
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Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.