Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
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*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”