Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
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Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*