Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
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Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.