Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
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People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast