I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
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After 35, your body ages in dog years
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved