Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
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i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background