*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
You Might Also Like
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Haha good job!!
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!