Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
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i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates