Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
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i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
These are too funny not to post 😂
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
For anyone who needs this today
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?