My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
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I’m about to risk it all
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.