Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
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my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.