5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
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The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
😅😅😅
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
new year update: losing everything but weight
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
best review i’ve ever seen
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine