So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
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My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.