Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
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[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.