Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
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14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING