me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
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The Weeknd is back
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
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90Me: Nailed it.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Aight bet
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??