BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
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*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.