My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
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genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.