Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
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10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore