Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
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me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?