“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
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kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
no regrets