A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
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You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.