I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
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How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.