In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
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“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant