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That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Boating season is upon us.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
#polloftheday
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.