Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
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Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07