In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
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So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Only Americans understand
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.