“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
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*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
ibopfufen
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.