I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
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Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
May have had one breakfast too many
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?