Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
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I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
I’m about to risk it all
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.